PRICE IS CENTS 




Successful Rural Plays 

A Strong List From Which to Select Your 
Next Play 

FARM FOLKS. A Rural Play in Four Acts, by Arthur 
Lewis Tubbs. For five male and six female characters. Time 
of playing, two hours and a half. One simple exterior, two 
. easy interior scenes. Costumes, modern. Flora Goodwin, a 
farmer's daughter, is engaged to Philip Burleigh, a young New 
Yorker. Philip's mother wants him to marry a society woman, 
and by falsehoods makes Flora believe Philip does not love her. 
Dave Weston, who wants Flora himself, helps the deception by 
intercepting a letter from Philip to Flora. She agrees to marry 
Dave, but on the eve of their marriage Dave confesses, Philip 
learns the truth, and he and Flora are reunited. It is a simple 
plot, but full of speeches and situations that sway an audience 
alternately to tears and to laughter. Price, 25 cents. 

HOME TIES. A Rural Play in Four Acts, by Arthur 
Lewis Tubbs. Characters, four male, five female. Plays two 
hours and a half. Scene, a simple interior — same for all four 
acts. Costumes, modern. One of the strongest plays Mr. Tubbs 
has written. Martin Winn's wife left him when his daughter 
Ruth was a baby. Harold Vincent, the nephew and adopted son 
of the man who has wronged Martin, makes love to Ruth Winn. 
She is also loved by Len Everett, a prosperous young farmer. 
When Martin discovers who Harold is, he orders him to leave 
Ruth. Harold, who does not love sincerely, yields. Ruth dis- 
covers she loves Len, but thinks she has lost him also. Then 
he comes back, and Ruth finds her happiness. Price 25 cents. 

THE OLD NEW HAMPSHIRE HOME. A New 

England Drama in Three Acts, by Frank Dumont. For seven 
males and four females. Time, two hours and a half. Costumes, 
modern. A play with a strong heart interest and pathos, yet rich 
in humor. Easy to act and very effective. A rural drama of 
the "Old Homstead" and "Way Down East" type. Two ex- 
terior scenes, one interior, all easy to set. Full of strong sit- 
uations and delightfully humorous passages. The kind of a play 
everybody understands and likes. Price, 25 cents. 

THE OLD DAIRY HOMESTEAD. A Rural Comedy 
in Three Acts, by Frank Dumont. For five males and four 
females. Time, two hours. Rural costumes. Scenes rural ex- 
terior and interior. An adventurer obtains a large sum of money 
from a farm house through the intimidation of the farmer's 
niece, whose husband he claims to be. Her escapes from the 
wiles of the villain and his female accomplice are both starting 
and novel. Price, 15 cents. 

A WHITE MOUNTAIN BOY. A Strong Melodrama in 
Five Acts, by Charles Townsend. For seven males and four 
females, and three supers. Time, two hours and twenty minutes. 
One exterior, three interiors. Costumes easy. The hero, a 
country lad, twice saves the life of a banker's daughter, which 
results in their betrothal. A scoundrelly clerk has the banker 
in his power, but the White Mountain boy finds a way to check- 
mate his schemes, saves the banker, and wins the girl. Price 
15 cents. 

THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY 

PHILADELPHIA 






The Man Outside 



A Farce in One Act 



By 
HELEN BAGG 

Author of '.•First Aid," "Let's All Get Married," 

"looking for Mary Jane," "Untangling 

Tony" etc. 




PHILADELPHIA 

THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY 

191 8 






Copyright 191 8 by The Penn Publishing Company 



NQV 2.^9 i 8 

The Man Outside 
©CI.D 507J.1 






M 



h 



The Man Outside 



CHARACTERS 



James McArthur - - - a young novelist, and a 

bridegroom 

Frederick Fanning - - the bride's brother, and 

the best man 

Sally West - - - ' - the maid of honor 

Barnes the butler 

Time of Playing. — Forty-five minutes. 



STORY OF THE PLAY 

The action takes place on the eve of James Mc- 
Arthur's wedding day. He tells Freddy, his prospective 
brother-in-law, that he is counting on the advance 
royalties from his novel to pay for the wedding trip to 
Palm Beach. Then he gets a letter from his pub- 
lishers — without a check. " I must have five hundred 
dollars before to-morrow night ! " They decide to 
pawn the wedding silver. Freddy is to put the silver 
in a bag and pass it out the window to McArthur. 

Sally West returns from a dance and meets Freddy, 
with the " swag." " It — it's my laundry ! " Sally and 
Freddy find they're interested in each other. Sally 
hears the jingle of the silver in the bag and suspects 
Barnes, the butler, of trying to smuggle it outside to a 
confederate. Freddy undertakes to find out. " Sup- 
pose he kills you ! " Sally defends Freddy from harm 
by taking the silver away. 

McArthur, outside the window, threatens awful 
things to Freddy. Barnes unconsciously absolves him- 
self from guilt and shifts it to Freddy. Sally is hys- 
terical. " You — you — living lie ! " McArthur, des- 
perate, " steals " the silver himself. Then an opportune 
remittance saves the day, and McArthur determines to 
write detective stories instead of love stories. " Just 
so you leave Freddy out, you may do as you please ! " 



COSTUMES 



James McArthur, about twenty-five. Dark busi- 
ness suit. 

Frederick Fanning, about twenty-five. Business 
suit. 

Sally West, about twenty. Evening dress. 

Barnes. Butler's uniform. 

4 



PROPERTIES 

For McArthur: Overcoat, cane, hat, cigarette, 
bunch of keys, papers, unopened letter, ring, handker- 
chief. 

For Fanning : Soft hat, striped laundry bag, pocket 
knife, key. 

For Sally: Evening wrap. 

For Barnes : Telegram, tray with coffee, cups, and 
sandwiches. 

Other Properties: Several pieces of silver 
wrapped in a kimono ; knives and forks ; box contain- 
ing ugly china ornament and card; bell to ring off 
stage. 



SCENE PLOT 




Scene. — The library of the Fanning house, at about 
eleven o'clock in the evening, the night before the 
wedding of the daughter of the house. At c. a door- 
way leading to the hall; at l. a doorway, curtained, 
connecting with a smoking-room or den; at R. a win- 
dow. A library table with a chair at R. and at L. of it. 
Another chair near the door at l. A small table at 
R. c. with an express package on it. 



The Man Outside 



SCENE. — The library of the Fanning house. Doors 
up c. and at l. Window r. Table and chairs l. c. 
Chairs at r. and l. 

(At rise of curtain McArthur, up c, has just been 
helped into his coat by Barnes, who holds stick and 
hat.) 

Barnes (up r. c). If I may say so, sir, I wisK you 
and Miss Edith hevery sort of good luck in your mar- 
ried life, sir. 

Mac. Thank you, Barnes. 

(He comes down to table c. for a match and lights his 
cigarette.) 

Barnes. There will be so much hexcitement to- 
morrow night, sir, with the wedding and all, I thought 
I might not 'ave a chance to mention it. 

Mac. (radiantly, at table c). Yes, yes, of course — 
of course we'll be happy! Any fool could be happy 
with a girl like Miss EditH, eh, Barnes? 

Barnes. I should think he might, sir. 

Mac. Even a literary guy, eh ? 

Barnes (up r. c). I should think so, sir; though 
. of course my hinf ormation as to the ways of that pro- 
fession is very limited. You, sir, are the only hauthor 
I've ever met; of course, Mr. Frederick being a 
hartist 

Mac. (walking up r. c. to Barnes). Not the same 
sort of thing at all, Barnes. Artists are born lucky. 
Rich widows are always marrying 'em or else they 
have wealthy fathers like Freddy, or (He notices 



8 THE MAN OUTSIDE 

the box on small table r. c.) Hello, more wedding 
presents ? 

Barnes {handing him hat and stick). Yes, sir; 
Miss Edith said she wasn't going to hopen any more 
till after the wedding. We're all completely wore out, 
sir. 

{Enter Freddy, l.) 

Mac. I am. Been opening 'em all evening. Hello, 
Freddy! {Comes down l.) 

{Exit Barnes, c.) 

Freddy {coming down l. to Mac, maliciously). 
Edith says you're to go home at once and go to bed. 
You're not to stop at the club because they'll keep you 
up late, and she wants you to look happy to-morrow 
night. Fat chance you've got to look happy — walk- 
ing down a church aisle with five hundred people 
grinning at you ! Gosh, I pity you ! 

Mac. {defiantly). I dare say I'll pull it off. It's 
been managed before. 

Freddy. Oh, you'll pull it off all right. I'm think- 
ing of myself — walking down back of you, with a girl 
on my arm ! It's the longest aisle in Chicago. 

Mac. {soothingly). No it isn't; you only imagine it. 

Freddy. Oh, do I? I walked up that aisle once 
when I was a kid ; they made me carry the infant class 
banner; and I know. I'd rather carry fifty banners 
than haul a maid of honor. Gosh, I hate girls ! 

Mac. You don't hate 'em — you're afraid of 'em. 
It's a very different thing. {More confidentially.) I 
don't mind telling you, though, that I am a bit nervous. 
There seem to be so many things that may go wrong. 

Freddy {bitterly). That will go wrong. 

Mac. (l. c). There's the ring, and the license, and 
the clergyman's fee — it seems a good deal to trust to 
you. 

Freddy (l.). Do 'em yourself, then. You can 
take Sally West on your other arm coming down the 
aisle, if you want to. I don't mind. 



THE MAN OUTSIDE 9 

Mac. Seems to me you're rather familiar with the 
front name of a girl you hate. 

Freddy. Oh, I don't hate her, especially. That is, 
I wouldn't, if she hadn't treated me like a toad ever 
since she's been visiting in the house. 

Mac. She hasn't. She's not the sort of girl to run 
after a fellow, if that's what you mean. 

Freddy. I guess I know when a girl takes a human 
interest in me and when she doesn't. Every time 
Edith gets a crush on a girl it means that I've got to 
haul her around and show her a good time whether 
she likes me or not. 

Mac. It's Edith's adorable nature. 

Freddy. You can call it that if you like. You've 
never had to entertain the girls. (With unholy joy.) 
You will, though, now ! 

Mac. Humph ! 

Freddy. How long have you and Edie been en- 
gaged? 

Mac. About three months. 

Freddy. That's the rotten thing about engage- 
ments. They make 'em so short that you don't have 
a chance to learn anything about the other fellow. 
If I'm ever engaged, I shall insist upon a five-year 
engagement. 

Mac. (fervently). Nothing that I could ever learn 
in this world or the next about your sister Edith could 
ever alter my belief that she is the sweetest, prettiest, 
and best girl that the good Lord ever threw in the path 
of an unworthy, literary lummox ! 

Freddy. Humph ! 

Mac. Trouble with you, Freddy, is that you're shy. 
Every time a girl looks at you you think she's finding 
fault with you. Now, just as likely as not she's ad- 
miring you ; admiring the fit of your clothes — no, not 
the fit of your clothes — but your — well, your general 
worth. So long, Freddy — cheer up! (Starts up c.) 

Freddy. Oh, I'll weather it, somehow. Say, 
where's that ring? Hadn't you better give it to me 
before we forget it? 

Mac. (coming back to l. a). Good idea! 



IO THE MAN OUTSIDE 

(Goes through his pockets for the ring; turns out sev- 
eral other things, including a letter.) 

Freddy (worried). Well, I hope you haven't lost 
it already? 

Mac. (finding it; tossing it to Freddy). Here it is. 
I knew I'd bought it, but I'm so confoundedly absent- 
minded! Why, here's this letter — been in my pocket 
since day before yesterday, and I haven't opened it. 

Freddy (putting ring into his pocket). Important? 

Mac Rather! It's my publishers' check for ad- 
vance royalties on my new novel, " The Silver Circle." 
This check, my boy, is going to finance your sister's 
wedding trip to Palm Beach. 

Freddy (enviously) . Golly ! They treat you pretty 
well, don't they? 

Mac. They'd better treat me well. Took 'em long 
enough to discover me. 

Freddy. Wish they'd pay advance royalties on 
pictures. 

Mac. (contemptuously) . Pictures ! 

Freddy. Well, open it. I'd like to see what a 
check looks like these days. (Mac. opens letter — 
shakes envelope.) What's the matter? 

Mac. There doesn't seem to be any check. Maybe 
it's inside. 

(Spreads out the letter. A look of horror comes into 
his face.) 

Freddy. What's it say? 

Mac. (handing it to him). You read it, Freddy; 
my eyes feel funny. 

Freddy (reading). "Dear McArthur: Are in re- 
ceipt of the ' Silver Circle.' The verdict is that while 
the book is quite up to your mark in most respects, 
the love interest weakens toward the end. Study the 
last five chapters with this idea in mind and let us 
know what you think of warming them up a bit. 
Yours as ever, Jones & Everett." 

Mac Well? What does it say about the check? 



THE MAN OUTSIDE II 

Freddy. Nothing. Check seems to have weakened 
like the love interest. 

Mac. (snatching the letter). "Study the last five 
chapters ! " Precious lot of time I've got to study love 
interest when IVe got to put in all my time for the 
next twenty-four hours getting married. 

(Crumples up letter, throws it on floor and stalks about 

stage.) 

Freddy (unconcerned). Put it off till you get home. 

Mac. (up c). Till I get home? Freddy, I can't 
go ! I can't get married ! I'm broke ! 

Freddy (startled). Broke! 

Mac. (coming down r.). Oh, I've got enough to 
pay the parson and get to the depot — what good will 
that do me ? I've got to go to Palm Beach. I've got 
to have at least five hundred dollars before this time 
to-morrow night, do you hear ? 

Freddy. Gosh ! 

Mac. (shaking his fist bitterly). I've been count- 
ing on these people — trusting them — and this is how 
they treat me in my hour of need ! 

Freddy (doubtfully) . We might approach father? 

Mac. No. When I asked your sister to marry me 
I made her promise to live on my income. I said one 
artistic loafer in the family was enough. I wouldn't 
even let him furnish the flat. That's why I'm broke. 
That's what comes of being proud and self-respecting ! 
Even your publishers step on you when they get the 
chance ! ( Throws himself into chair r. c. ) 

Freddy. If I had anything, old man 

Mac. Nobody that I can borrow from has any- 
thing — nobody! Here I am, literally surrounded by 
expensive wedding presents, and not enough to get 
married on ! I've unwrapped enough silver this very 
evening to keep Edith and me in luxury for six months, 
and what good will it do me ? Unless (Pause.) 

Freddy. Unless what? I don't imagine you're 
proposing to steal the wedding silver, are you ? 

Mac. (solemnly). Come here, Freddy. (Freddy 
crosses r. to him.) Sit down. (Freddy pulls the 



12 THE MAN OUTSIDE 

chair at r. of table beside Mac's and sits.) Now 
listen ! To whom, in your opinion, do those wedding 
presents belong? 

Freddy. To Edie, of course. 

Mac. Why? 

Freddy. Aren't they marked with her initials? 

Mac. A mere formality. Done in case the bride 
changes her mind at the last minute and wants to marry 
another fellow. Edith isn't going to change her mind. 
As soon as the ceremony is over to-morrow night those 
presents are half mine. (Freddy listens in fascinated 
horror.) Some of 'em are mine now. Look at the 
stuff Joe Temple's sent. Why? Because Joe and I 
went to college together — same frat. Don't you sup- 
pose he sent those diamond hairpins to me ? 

Freddy. Well, why not go up and ask Edie, now? 

Mac. No. I'm not going to have her confidence in 
me shaken. It's the one beautiful thing in my life and 
I'm not going to lose it — anyhow, not till we're mar- 
ried. Listen, Freddy, this is up to you. 

Freddy (horrified). Me! 

Mac. (pleadingly). Freddy, one armful of that 
silver in the proper hands by midnight to-night would 
mean two weeks at Palm Beach. It isn't much to ask 
a chap to do for his only sister ! 

Freddy (alarmed). No, sir! 

Mac. It isn't as though it was going for good, 
Freddy. I'll take it to that guy where you pawned 
my watch the night I took you and Edith to the opera 
and left my wad home on the piano, remember? And 
the minute my next check comes in I'll redeem it ! 

Freddy. I don't care about your part. What have 
I got to do? 

Mac. Just slip into Edith's sitting-room — she's got 
'em all laid out — grab up some of the heavy pieces, 
and some spoons and a diamond or two, and shoot 'em 
out to me; I'll be outside this window. It won't do to 
try it here, with Barnes pussyfooting all over the place. 

Freddy. You seem to have the details down pat. 

Mac. Of course I have. I have to know how 
these things are done — I write 'em. 



THE MAN OUTSIDE 1 3 

Freddy. But there'll be a deuce of a row in the 
morning when it's found out ! 

Mac. No, there won't. Edith doesn't care for 
silver and diamonds; she's been gorged with 'em all 
her life. She cares more for those eight little blue 
bowls that somebody gave her for the kitchen than 
for anything else in the outfit. 

Freddy {wisely). She may not care for them, but 
she's going to put up an awful howl when they dis- 
appear. 

Mac. I'll tell her I've put a Secret Service man on 
the job in order to keep it out of the newspapers. 

Freddy {firmly). I don't like it. 

Mac. {leaning back and speaking sarcastically into 
space). There are things I would prefer doing on my 
wedding eve, but I can't help myself. I'd do it for you 
in a minute, but of course I can't expect you to see it 
that way. Artists are selfish beasts. 

Freddy. I say, Mac 

Mac. {dryly). I can, of course, call the wedding 
off. It will be unpleasant for Edith and me, but it 
will save you a little bother 

Freddy {giving in). Hang it, I don't mind trying 
it if you think we can put it over. 

Mac. {enthusiastically) . We've got to put it over, 
for her sake. There's nothing in the world that I 
wouldn't do to make that girl happy — even to pawning 
my wedding silver. 

{Enter Barnes, c.) 

Barnes. Miss Edith says, sir- 



Mac. {jumping up). Going this instant, Barnes. 

Barnes. Yes, sir. {Stands at door up c.) 

Mac. {to Freddy in a savage undertone). In fif- 
teen minutes — under that window — {pointing to win- 
dow r.) don't fail me! {He dashes off c.) 

Freddy {rising and crossing l., desperately) . Thank 
Heaven, I haven't any more sisters ! 

Barnes {up c). Beg pardon, sir? 

Freddy (l.). Nothing! Nothing whatever ! Why 
don't you go to bed, Barnes? 



14 THE MAN OUTSIDE 

Barnes. I'm obliged to wait hup for Miss West, 
sir. She 'asn't returned yet from the dance. 

{He conies to table c. and puts it to rights, replacing 
chair l., etc. Freddy surveys him distractedly.) 

Freddy. Of course. Just my cursed luck! 

Barnes. When she do return, sir, I shall shut up 
the 'ouse and retire. 

Freddy. Shut up the house? 

Barnes. Yes, sir. Set the burglar alarms on the 
doors and windows, sir. 

Freddy {despairingly). Oh, yes, of course, the 
burglar alarms ! 

Barnes. With so much silver about, we can't be 
too careful, sir. There's the jewels, sir. And silver, 
they say, is particularly tempting to thieves; so easy 
to 'andle, you know, sir. 

Freddy. Easy ! 

Barnes. To get rid of, I mean, sir. 

Freddy. Oh ! 

Barnes. Anything more, sir ? 

Freddy. No, I'm going to bed. Immediately! 
Now! This moment! Good-night, Barnes. 

{Exit, l.) 

Barnes {at table). Good-night, Mr. Frederick. 
{Shakes his head perplexedly.) It strikes me that 
that young man do get more and more hexcitable every 
day. I presume it's the hinflooence of hart ! 

{Bell rings off c. . Exit Barnes, C., returning immedi- 
ately, ushering in Sally West. He takes her 
cloak.) 

Sally {coming down l.). Is it very late, Barnes? 

Barnes {up c. at door). No, Miss West; only a 
little after eleven. 

Sally. I suppose everybody's gone to bed ? 

Barnes. Yes, miss. 

Sally {crossing r. to window). Barnes, there's a 
man outside. I noticed him as I got out of the car. 

Barnes. Mr. McArthur has just left, miss. 



THE MAN OUTSIDE 15 

Sally (looking out window r.). This man hasn't 
left; he's standing out there now. Look! 

Barnes (crossing to window r., looking out). I 
think it's the night watchman, miss. He has horders 
to look in on us every ten minutes while the silver's 
in the 'ouse, miss. 

Sally (relieved, turning from window). I'm glad 
of that. It would be dreadful if anything were to 
happen to all those lovely things. 

Barnes (at window r.). He's veiy hefficient, 
miss — the night watchman. 

Sally. I hope so. (Notices box on small table R.) 
Oh, is that another present? 

(She goes to table, picks up box and sits in chair r. 
of table c.) 

Barnes. Yes, miss. Miss Edith gave orders, miss, 
that you were to 'ave coffee and sandwiches when you 
came in. Shall I serve them 'ere? 

Sally (still interested in the box). Yes, please, 
Barnes. (Exit Barnes, c, taking Sally's cloak with 
him.) How thoughtful of Edie! (Puts the box on 
the table c, sits, continues dreamily.) What a lucky 
thing she is! If I owned one-fifth of the wonderful 
things that have surged into this house these last few 
days, I should never raise my eyes without expecting 
to see a horrible looking robber trying to steal them! 
(She looks up, and sees Freddy, who, with his hat 
pulled down over his eyes, and a striped laundry bag 
swung over his shoulder, peers into the room l. He 
stops in horror as she screams. ) Oh ! 

Freddy (at door l., wildly). Don't ! Don't holler ! 
It's only me! 

Sally. You ! 

Freddy (taking off his hat and coming in). Yes. 
Just going out for a walk. Around the block. 

Sally (coldly). Don't let me detain you. 

Freddy. No, I won't, thanks. 

(He tries to edge past her up c. but she sees the bag.) 
Sally. What in the world 



1 6 THE MAN OUTSIDE 

Freddy. It — it's my laundry ! 

Sally (unconvinced). Yes, it looks like laundry. 

Freddy (l. a). It is laundry. Barnes puts it up 
and leaves it on the front steps so that the Chink can 
get it early in the morning. 

Sally. How very odd! 

Freddy. Yes, Chinks are odd, you know. " Ways 
that are dark," and all that sort of thing. 

Sally. I should think you'd be afraid that some- 
body would steal it. But I suppose he watches it. 

Freddy (alarmed). He? Who? 

Sally. The man outside. Barnes says he's the 
night watchman. 

Freddy (in horror). Barnes? 

Sally. Yes, I saw him lurking out there when I 
came in. 

Freddy. The fool! 

Sally (r. of table). I thought right away of bur- 
glars, so I told Barnes, and he recognized him. 

Freddy (coming to l. of table). Recognized him! 

Sally. He's supposed to keep going around the 
house every ten minutes all night. 

Freddy. The deuce he is ! 

Sally. Don't let me detain you if you're going out. 
I'm just having a bit of supper here before I go to bed. 

Freddy (in discouragement). Thanks. I don't 
believe I'll go. I don't feel very well. 

(Sits i.. of table.) 

Sally. Perhaps you'll have a cup of coffee? 
Freddy. Perhaps I'd better. 

(Hangs the bag very cautiously on the back of his 

chair. ) 

Sally. You're very careful of it, seems to me. 

Freddy. It — it's got some of my best clothes in it. 

Sally (blankly). Oh! (Enter Barnes, c, with 
tray containing coffee and sandwiches for two. He 
places it on the table c.) Mr. Frederick is going to 
have some, too, Barnes. 



THE MAN OUTSIDE 



17 



Barnes. I thought I 'eard Mr. Frederick's voice, 
miss, so I brought two cups. 
Freddy. Thanks. 

(Barnes serves them.) 

Sally. Mr. Frederick is worried about the man 
outside, too, Barnes. Are you quite sure it's the night 
watchman ? 

Barnes. Quite, miss. However, if you wish, I'll 
call to 'im and make certain. 

Freddy (l. of table, wildly). No! 

Sally (r. of table). But 

Freddy {hedging). He's a good old soul, that 
watchman, and I'm not going to have him nagged. 

Barnes. Very well, sir. 

{Exit Barnes, c.) 

Sally {drinking coffee). You needn't be so savage 
about it. I'm only thinking of Edith. It would be 
terrible if anything were to happen to all those lovely 
presents. 

Freddy. Awful. 

Sally {touching package on table). And here's 
another, a whopper! What do you suppose is in it? 

Freddy. Let's open it and see. 

Sally {shocked). Open other people's packages? 

Freddy. It's only Edie. 

Sally {longingly). You're sure she won't mind? 

Freddy. Sure. And there might be something 
valuable in it. 

Sally. Valuable ? 

Freddy {in some confusion) . Something it wouldn't 
do to leave around, you know. 

Sally. That's so; perhaps we'd better. 

{Tries to untie knot.) 

Freddy {struck with brilliant idea). Tell you 
what, let's open it in the smoking-room. {Indicates 
it at l.) You go in and get the paper off and I'll 
come and tell you if it's valuable. 

Sally. No, it's much cozier here. You open it. 



1 8 THE MAN OUTSIDE 

(He cuts the knot; she sips her coffee.) If it's silver, 
I'll take it up and put it with the rest. I'm going to 
take a look at them before I go to bed. 

Freddy (forgetting the package in his horror). 
Oh, say, don't go to bed yet! We're having such a 
splendid time. 

Sally. Are we? 

Freddy. Of course. I've never had a chance to 
talk to you by yourself, you know. 

Sally. I don't think you've tried very hard. You 
have seemed to avoid me a very large part of the time. 

Freddy (genuinely amazed). What! 

Sally (sweetly). Yes. As they do people who 
have smallpox, you know. 

Freddy. Oh, I say, Miss Sally, that's just my 
manner! I've always had a disagreeable manner. 

Sally. So the girls told me, but I wouldn't be- 
lieve it; Edith is so charming. 

Freddy. Anybody can be charming if she's a girl. 

Sally. If you think us charming, why do you 
hate us so? 

Freddy. Why, I — I 

Sally. Oh, yes, you do; Edith said so. (With 
elaborate carelessness.) Of course, it's nothing to 
me. There's no real reason why you should not hate 
me if you want to. 

Freddy (wildly). I don't want to hate you! The 
man who could hate you ought to be run in by the 
police ! 

Sally (as he stops in horror). What's the matter? 

Freddy (dully). Nothing. It just occurred to me 
how unpleasant it must be to be run in by the police. 

Sally. Of course it is, but you needn't worry 
about it. (He opens the package and takes out a large 
and extremely ugly china ornament.) What in the 
world 

Freddy (reading card). "With fondest nuptial 
wishes." Mrs. Spencer- Jordan. 

Sally (awed). And she probably paid a lot of 
money for it ! 

Freddy (stuffing it back into box). Not she. You 



THE MAN OUTSIDE 19 

don't know Mrs. Spencer- Jordan. She got stung with 
it at a church bazaar. 

Sally (timidly). Perhaps it's a work of art! 

Freddy (jamming the paper savagely around it). 
Who wants works of art for wedding presents ? What 
we want is something solid. Something with a prac- 
tical money value. Something 

Sally. What a horrible way to talk about wedding 
presents ! 

Freddy. Not at all. What do we give wedding 
presents for but to start a young couple along their way 
in life? Suppose something happens, and he has to 
realize on his assets? What's he going to do with a 
lot of bum heads and water-colors and pincushions ? 

Sally. When a man can command the prices that 
James McArthur does for his books, nothing is going 
to happen. It's not like pictures. 

Freddy (darkly). Oh, I don't know! They have 
their ups and downs as well as the rest of us. 
They 

(He stops suddenly as a handkerchief, tied to a cane, 
is waved threateningly through the open window R., 
back of Sally.) 

Sally. What perfect nonsense! As though 



Freddy (cutting in rapidly). Oh, I'm only speak- 
ing in a general way, of course. Nobody thinks old 
Mac's ever going broke. 

(A fist is seen to shake through the window cur- 
tains, R.) 

Sally (innocently). And he's such a dear! I 
could have picked out a handsomer man for Edie, but 
not a nicer one, I'm sure. 

Freddy. Yes, I think myself that looks are Mac's 
weak point. 

Sally. Edie says he's so particular about his 
literary reputation. He wrote a moving picture 
scenario for that big competition out west and 
wouldn't send it in under his own name. 

Freddy. Yes. He sent it under mine. 



20 THE MAN OUTSIDE 

Sally. Suppose it takes the prize? 

Freddy. It won't. It's under my name. 

Sally. Don't be so pessimistic ! Have some more 
coffee ? 

Freddy. I suppose I might as well. 

Sally (handing it to him). You won't sleep to- 
night. 

Freddy. I don't expect to. (Pause — he rallies his 
forces desperately.) I'm going to sit up and — and 
think about you. 

Sally. What an absurd thing to do! What are 
you going to think? 

Freddy. About all the time I've wasted, not know- 
ing how — how agreeable girls can be. 

Sally (encouragingly). Yes? 

Freddy. Especially girls who come from out of 
town — girls you don't know very well ! 

Sally (smiling). Yes? 

Freddy (with sudden shyness). That's all ! That's 
all I'm going to think! 

Sally. I should think that would hardly pay you 
for sitting up all night. 

Freddy (rising and leaning on the table for aid). 
Unless — unless — I say, will you let me paint you some 
day when all this fuss is over? That is, if I'm still 
painting ? 

Sally. I shan't be here, you know, when all this 
fuss is over. 

Freddy (dramatically). I'll come wherever you 
are. Gunpowder Springs — Bloody Gulch — I don't 
care where it is — I'll come. 

Sally (with dignity). I live in Kansas City. 

Freddy. Well, I can stand that. Any place you 
live in ought to be all right. Will you let me come ? 

Sally. Perhaps 

Freddy. There's a lot of things I'd like to say to 
you when — when my mind is free ! 

Sally. When your mind is free? 

Freddy. Yes. It's been overworked on this af- 
fair — strained — I don't know how I'm coming out of 
it — but if I do come — will you promise 



THE MAN OUTSIDE 21 

(He stops.) 

Sally (shyly). Promise what, Freddy? 

Freddy (desperately). Why, you know, I've al- 
ways been sort of — sort of a fool about girls 

Sally (stiffening). A fool about girls? 

Freddy. Yes, shy, you know, and all that sort of 
thing. But the minute you came into this house 

Sally. Yes ? 

Freddy. I felt as if — well — as if I'd been run 
over — or something like that ! 

Sally. I knew there was something the matter 
with you, Freddy, but I didn't realize 

Freddy. No, no, I could see you didn't, but you do, 
now, don't you? 

Sally. I — Fm trying to. 

Freddy. You see, I am really perfectly dippy about 
you — maudlin — why, even the way you cough — or 
sneeze 

Sally (tenderly). Really, Freddy? 

Freddy. Oh, there's no doubt about it! It's the 
only thing that nerves me when I think about that 
church aisle to-morrow night. If it was any other 
girl I'd leave town. I want you to promise me that 
you'll marry me instantly — as soon as my mind's free ! 

(In leaning over the table, his foot strikes the chair 
so that the laundry bag and the chair both capsize. 
There is a compromising jingle of knives and forks. 
Freddy seizes the bag and holds it pressed to his 
breast, at bay, while she stares in amazement.) 

Sally. What's that? 
Freddy (faintly). Laundry! 

Sally. Rubbish! There's something in that bag. 
Freddy. Of course there is. There's shirts and 
cuffs and collars and — — 
Sally. Didn't you hear it ? 
Freddy. I — I don't hear very well — always. 
Sally (severely). Who packed that bag? 

Freddy. Why — why 

Sally. You said that Barnes did. 



22 THE MAN OUTSIDE 

Freddy. He — that is — he did, of course. 

Sally (slowly). That's why he was going to put 
it on the front steps. That's why he wasn't afraid of 
the man outside. The man's a confederate. 

Freddy. What ! 

Sally. Don't be so stupid. Didn't you hear some- 
thing clink in that bag? I tell you, Barnes is trying 
to smuggle Edith's silver out of the house. 

Freddy. Do — do you really think so? 

Sally. I know it. Don't you read the newspapers ? 
Don't you know that lots and lots of butlers are just 
criminals, who come over here and prey on our inno- 
cent rich? (Rises.) Give me that! 

Freddy. No. I won't have him exposed. He's 
the best butler we've ever had. I don't care if he is 
a thief. 

Sally. And to think that any one could be vile 
enough to impose on such good nature! Please, 
Freddy ! We must be quite certain before we do any- 
thing. 

Freddy. Do anything? 

Sally. Yes, report it — send for the police. 

Freddy. The police ! 

Sally (coming around to him in front of table and 
seizing the bag). We must know the truth. (She 
takes out two or three large silver pieces, and a lot of 
table silver, wrapped carelessly in a flowered silk 
kimono.) Oh, the fiend! Wrapped in poor Edie's 
own kimono ! I didn't suppose there was such 
wickedness in the world ! He ought to be hung. 

Freddy (wildly). Stop! You mustn't! You 
mustn't touch the body — I mean, the evidence until 
the police come. You'll ruin everything. 

(He grabs the bag from her.) 

Sally. But, I 

Freddy (hastily repacks the bag and puts it on 
table c). Put it all back — just the way it was — wrap 
it up — now, listen ! 

Sally (nervously). Yes? 



THE MAN OUTSIDE 23 

Freddy. We mustn't let him know that we're on 
till we've found out about the man outside. You go 
down the hall and listen, and if you hear Barnes com- 
ing, you — you whistle 

Sally {desperately). I can't whistle, Freddy! 

Freddy {severely). Then sneeze! I'll lean out of 
the window and holler at the chap; if he's the watch- 
man, he won't mind; but if he's a confederate, he'll 
run. Then we'll know where we stand. See? 

Sally. But he may not run — he may shoot ! 

Freddy. Pooh ! 

Sally {solicitously). I — I wouldn't like him to 
shoot an arm off you, Freddy. 

Freddy {with a wave of his hand). Tut tut! 

Sally. Or a leg 

Freddy {patting her shoulder). You must be 
brave. 

Sally. Suppose — suppose he kills you? 

Freddy {quite overcome, puts his arm around her). 
He shan't kill me, darling! 

Sally {snuggling up to him). You know, I didn't 
mean all those wretched things I said to you a while 
ago! 

Freddy. Of course not. How could you? 

Sally. And you'll be dreadfully careful, won't 
you? 

Freddy. You bet I will. 

Sally {suddenly). And I'll take this, so that he 
won't be tempted to do anything rash. 

{Seizes the bag and runs off c.) 

Freddy {in horror). Hi, come back with that! 
Sally! 

{Starts up stage after her, when Mac's head appears 
in the window, r.) 

Mac. Hist! (Freddy rushes back to window, R.) 
You young idiot, where's that silver? 
Freddy. She's got it. 
Mac. What ! 
Freddy. I did my best, Mac, but I 



24 THE MAN OUTSIDE 

Mac. (wildly). Yes, you did. Sitting round 
gabbing while I'm freezing to death out here. Maybe 
you think the middle of January is a pleasant time of 
year to hang onto a window sill and listen to two fools 
spooning while your whole life is wabbling in the 
balance ! 

Freddy (wrathfully). Spooning? 

Mac. Twice I've nearly been spotted by the night 
watchman going round, and he's due again in half a 
minute. What are you going to do about it? 

Freddy. I can't do anything about it, Mac; she's 
got it. She thinks Barnes stole it. 

Mac. Do you mean to tell me that you've delib- 
erately given my wedding silver to a girl that you 
happen to be smitten on, while I waited shivering — 
freezing — dying — out in the cold for it? 

Freddy. I didn't give it to her; she took it away 
from me. You wouldn't have me use violence toward 
a helpless girl, in my own house, would you? 

Mac. I don't care what you do. It's half-past 
eleven and the place will be closed in half an hour. 
Look here 

Freddy. I won't do another thing. I won't have a 
chance. Poor old Barnes, a nice fix you've got him 
into ! 

Mac. You got him into it, you mean; if you'd 
paid attention to business instead of making love to 
girls 

Freddy. Hush ! 

Mac. I didn't hear anything about waiting five 
years, either. " Won't you marry me instantly?" 

(A wild fit of sneezing from outside door up c.) 

Freddy (furiously) . They're coming — both of 'em ! 
Listen, Mac, here's my latch key; you can let your- 
self in and steal your darned old silver yourself. 
I'm going to reform. 

(Holds out key. Mac takes key and disappears, 
shaking his fist at Freddy. Sally, still holding bag, 
rushes in c, runs down r. and clutches Freddy.) 






THE MAN OUTSIDE 25 

Sally. He's coming! He's in the dining-room 
now! Was it the confederate? 

Freddy. No, it was the watchman. I put him on. 
We're saved! 

Sally (sinking into chair). Oh! 

Freddy. Give me this and look as though nothing 
had happened. We want to catch him with the goods ! 
Here's a good place to put it. 

(He takes bag and places it on chair near door l. 
Sally comes down r. and sits r. of table. Freddy 
comes and sits l. of table. Both he and Sally pick 
up their coffee cups and try to appear unconscious. 
Barnes enters, c.) 

Sally. You may take away the things, Barnes. 
Barnes (coming down c. to table). Yes, miss. 

(As he puts the things on the tray, Sally watches him 
furtively; Freddy watches Sally; Barnes is un- 
conscious.) 

Freddy (nervously). Very good coffee, Barnes! 

Barnes. Thank you, sir. Very good of you to 
say so, sir. (Pause.) 

Sally. Did you make it yourself? 

Barnes. Yes, miss. In my last place, with young 
Lord Derbyshire, I used to do quite a bit of cooking. 

Sally. Why — ahem — why did you leave Lord 
Derbyshire, Barnes? (Then, a bit scared.) He — he 
sounds rather nice ! 

Barnes. Yes, miss. His Lordship's aunt took it 
into her 'ead to get married, miss, and there was a bit 
of trouble at the wedding ; and after that 'Is Lordship 
didn't 'ave no need for a valet, miss. 

Sally (glancing at Freddy, who shrivels up). 
Trouble? What do you mean, Barnes? 

Barnes. There was a diamond sunburst lost, miss, 
and some other things that the ladies were wearing, 
and they 'appened to be found on His Lordship; so 
they 'ad to send 'im out to Australia to 'ush it up, miss. 
(Freddy's cup comes down on the table with a crash; 
Sally looks at him with a dawning horror in her eyes; 



26 THE MAN OUTSIDE 

Barnes takes the cup from Freddy.) Such things 
are very unpleasant when they happen in families, 
miss. 

Freddy {weakly). That'll do, Barnes, you may go ! 

Barnes. Very well, sir. 

{Exit, c, with tray.) 

Sally {staring accusingly at Freddy). In fam- 
ilies! Wedding presents! 

Freddy. You oughtn't to encourage Barnes to 
burble on like that ; it isn't discipline. 

Sally. Discipline ! 

Freddy. They always look down on you if you 
talk to 'em too much, you know, 

Sally. Oh ! 

Freddy. Sally 

Sally {hysterically). Not a word! To think that 
I've been so blind — so stupid 

Freddy. Sally, dear, if you don't mind- 



Sally. Don't you dare call me " Sally, dear," or 
even " Sally " ! Don't you speak to me ! Oh, how 
I've been deceived in you ! 

Freddy. In me? 

Sally {furiously). Yes, in you! You — with your 
shyness, and your slyness, and your being a fool about 
girls ! You — you — living lie ! 

Freddy. Look here, you can't say those things to 
me — nobody can say those things to me — and get 
away with it! 

Sally. And I believed all that rot about your 
laundry and the Chinaman and all you said about poor 
Barnes being a thief 

Freddy. All I said 



Sally. All your vile suspicions ! 

Freddy {bewildered). My suspicions? 

Sally. Have you no conscience whatever? 

Freddy. Sally, look here, if I tell you 

Sally. I wouldn't believe you — no matter what 
you told me — I wouldn't believe you ! {She begins to 
sob; he stares at her in helpless despair. A hand 
reaches through the curtain at l., carefidly seizes the 



THE MAN OUTSIDE 27 

laundry bag and withdraws it. The bell rings; Sally 
jumps up.) Freddy, is — is it the police? 

Freddy {dejectedly). Hanged if I know! 

Sally. Freddy, could they — do they know any- 
thing else about you that they could arrest you for ? 

Freddy. I — I hope not. 

Sally. That man outside ? Would he give you up 
to the police? 

Freddy {savagely). He'd better not! 

Sally. Then there is hope for you? 

Freddy. It doesn't look like it, but if you'll stand 
by me 

Sally. Yes, I will. I hate you for doing it, but 
I'll stand by you for — for Edie's sake! How shall 
we put it back? 

Freddy. Put what back? 

Sally. The {She sees that the bag is gone.) 

It's gone ! The confederate ! He's in there ! 

{She starts toward smoking-room; he rises and stops 

her.) 

Freddy. Wait, let me go! 

Sally. No, I'm not afraid. I 

{Enter Barnes, c, with telegram. They pause.) 

Barnes {coming down r. to Freddy). Telegram 
for you, sir. 

{Hands it to Freddy, who opens it mechanically. 
Barnes goes up c.) 

Freddy {reads). "Mr. Frederick Fanning: Your 
scenario has won the $10,000 prize. Have wired 
money to your account, First National Bank. Who 
the deuce are you, anyhow? X. Y. Z. Film Co." 

(Freddy sinks into chair at l. of table; Mac, bag over 
his shoidder, rushes into the room from L. and 
snatches the telegram from Freddy.) 

Mac. Give me that ! 

Sally {retreating to r. of table). The confederate! 
Mac! Barnes, what is the matter? 



28 THE MAN OUTSIDE 

Barnes. Can't say, miss, but it looks hodd. 

Mac. (wildly). Ten thousand dollars! We'll stay 
in Palm Beach all winter — at my expense ! Whoopee ! 
(To Barnes.) Let's go wake up Edith. 

Barnes (stolidly). It's extremely late, sir. 

Freddy (rising and seizing the bag). Never mind 
the ten thousand — you give me those wedding presents ! 
(Hands bag to Sally.) There, darling, you can take 
them up-stairs and put them away yourself. Only say 
that you forgive me. (Goes to her.) 

Sally. Yes, Freddy, but — but what for? 

Mac. For helping me steal my own wedding silver. 
My publishers fell down on me at the last moment, 
and I had to corrupt my future brother-in-law in order 
that Edith might not be deprived of a wedding trip. 
Being a duffer, he queered the whole game. Come on, 
Barnes, let's fox trot ! 

(He runs up c, seizes the dazed Barnes and does a 
lively step with him, while Sally turns to Freddy.) 

Sally. Freddy ! 
Freddy. Sally ! 

(They rush into each other's arms.) 

Sally. Promise me you'll never do such a thing 
again ! 

Freddy. Never! I seal the promise. 

(Kisses her.) 

Mac. Love interest be hanged ! I'm going to write 
the rippingest detective yarn you ever read, and Barnes' 
Lord Derbyshire is going to be the villain. 

Sally. Just so you leave my Freddy out, you may 
do as you please ! 

curtain 



Unusually Good Entertainments 

Read One or More of These Before Deciding on 
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GRADUATION DAY AT WOOD HILL SCHOOL. 

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Unusually Good Entertainments 

Read One or More of These Before Deciding on 
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A SURPRISE PARTY AT BRINKLEY'S. An Em- 

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Mabel Sweetly has just become engaged to Harold, but it's "the 
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